Melancholy. That's what I feel at the moment. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who isn't as happy as she once was, lacks the enthusiasm she once possessed. And yet, underneath it all, I am happy. I couldn't ask for more in regard to Steve and Ryan. Thank God for them! They are what life is all about and they keep me smiling. School starting though has been an emotional roller coaster. I go one day thinking, "I can do this." And the next I'm crying in team that I don't want to do this anymore. That I can't do this anymore.
This is my 21st year of teaching and I think I may be burned out. I should be better at dealing with the BS, but even though in some ways I am, in others I am not at all. I still cannot wrap my head around why some things are the way they are. Why are some people lazy and ineffective and get away with it, but some of us bust our asses day in and day out, lose sleep at night and yet never even get a thank you? Why do some kids have such crappy home lives, to the point where they can't focus on learning, let alone passing state exams written by some a-hole who has never stepped foot in a classroom? Why do some teachers have far less responsibility than others?
I don't know. I just don't know. I feel so powerless to change anything. Yeah, yeah, I know I should be the change I want to see in the world. And every morning I wake up with a smile on my face, determined to make the best of it, and by 3PM, I'm exhausted, have a headache, and need some ibuprofen and a glass of wine. Teachers, am I alone? Am I bat shit crazy?! Or is this normal?
I don't want to be discouraged, but I am. Summer is already a distant memory. I am already tired. Oy vay! You know how they say to treat yourself? Take care of yourself? If I ate as much chocolate, drank as much wine, had as many massages as I need, I'd be fat, drunk, and broke!!
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